forever a bridesmaid, never the bride

Tonight I just returned from the lovely wedding of a childhood best friend and my seventh YES SEVENTH time being a bridesmaid. (remember that movie 27 dresses? yeah it was pretty much written about me) Now don't get me wrong I honestly LOVE being a bridesmaid. I love being able to participate in a friend's special day and being able to make it go more smoothly where possible and just basking in the happiness of the bride and groom. Plus who doesn't love the millions of pictures and free food eh? (insert stale smiles, fake giggle fits, sugar overloads, and aching feet here). ANYWAY... this evening brought to light some feelings that have been bubbling beneath the surface for some time.

I am almost 22 about to begin my senior year of college, am unmarried and without serious prospects, and you know what that means? I've j u s t about reached old maid status here at BYU. (yes yes I know that sounds ridiculous and no no I don't really believe I'm an old maid) However, people who know and live the culture of this little valley know what I'm talking about. I am faced with an ever-shrinking pool of girl-friends and varying versions of the following questions: Are you dating anyone? Why hasn't some handsome fella swept you off your feet yet? When are your wedding bells going to be ringing next? etc. etc. While I know these questions are not meant to offend and are offered out of genuine love and interest in my life, in their wake you may see the softest hardening behind my eyes or the slightest shrinking of my smile. It's not the questions that bother me really...but rather the awkward "oh that's ok," or "it will happen soon enough," or "boys are dumb" offered in response when "I'm not currently dating anyone" is my answer. My current single status is not something you need to apologize for.

At the risk of sounding conceited and presumptuous, I know that when you ask about my dating life and wonder out loud how I'm still single, you are meaning it COMPLETELY as a compliment. You are expressing that you genuinely want for me the happiness that marriage provides. You are expressing that you think highly of me, or think I will make a great wife and mother someday, or you frankly think I'm just fabulous (wink wink)...but please don't weaken those compliments with the unsaid and unintended sentiment that those attributes must be validated by a man at my side who sees them too.

See...I'm happy with the state my life is in right now. I don't feel the need to wishfully plan the wedding of my dreams (please ignore the size of my wedding pinterest board...it doesn't mean anything I swear!) or to daydream about the day my prince charming waltzes in on the back of a white horse and my life can finally move forward. Though I do NOT feel sad or lonely that I'm not yet married, or worried that it might not happen soon enough,or feel that anything is wrong with myself or the boys around me, sometimes you make me feel as if I should. Am I sometimes sick of the dating scene? Do singles ward lectures sometimes make me want to roll my eyes? Do some days and nights get a little lonely? Heavens yes! But I don't want to waste the time before my happily ever after wondering and begrudging why the heck it didn't get here sooner. (I am trying to be an EXPERIENCER remember???)

By no means do these feelings mean never ask me about my dating life, I'm happy to answer you! Relationships are a major part of the life of a 20-something year old. BUT how about we respond with a "Great! How's school going?" or a "What is something fun you've done recently?" or frankly ANYTHING but a comforting consolation.

I am excited for the day I get to be the one in the white dress, I'm stoked to meet the handsome fella that will be next to me, and I am ecstatic for that little family of our very own that we will be beginning that day, but just because that day hasn't come yet, does not make the status of my present life any cause for apology.


but by all means...if you know any handsome single young  men...help a sister out ;)

the girl who chases the moon

This last year, I served on the Student Council for the College of Humanities.On the last day of class, our coordinator led a discussion about what we've learned and what we're going to do now because of it. She said something that especially struck me. She said, "You've had this experience, now how dare you NOT be different because of it." That line has resided in a quiet little corner of my mind ever since.

Think about it. This life is full of hundreds, thousands, millions even, of little experiences that slowly and gradually come to define who you are and shape the life you live. Some of those experiences we are able to create for ourselves, while most of them are placed upon us, whether as a gift or a lesson or honestly? still an ambiguous question mark. The fact is, however, that we are ALWAYS in control of how we react and respond to these experiences. Sounds cliche right? But do we really understand what that entails? With each experience we face, whether good or bad, we have the option and ability to change, to progress, to be different, to be better because of it. 

I've been in the middle of a minor (or not so minor) identity crisis as of late. I have a very clear image in my head of the woman I want to be but am having a bit cloudier of a time putting that woman into practice. Mostly the frustration comes from finding myself in the same ruts, old  habits, lame excuses, dull routine. After many hours of thought though, I have determined that as long as I can see some progression in my life, I will be happy with little ol' me. 

My recipe for catapulting that progression?  be an EXPERIENCER rather than just EXPERIENCED. A few years ago I came across a quote that I loved: "I am not the same having seen the moon shine on the other side of the world." Here again is the thought that because of an experience, a moment, you are different, never to be the same again. How often though, are we different only just for a day, a week, a month, before the poignancy of the experience fades? Too often I think. 

THEREFORE, I am vowing from this point forward to truly experience life and grow from it. to be an experiencer. to be a girl who chases the moon.